Each
one of us is on our own very unique journey. No two journeys look alike...EVER!
We
are constantly moving, constantly experiencing, always learning and
discovering. We experience good things, bad things, happy things and sad
things... extraordinary things, exciting things, challenging things and traumatic
things; all of which work together to shape us and make us who we are.
my good friend Maren and I back in 2001. The two of us have had an interesting journey... but she's been a good friend
I've
been meaning to write a blog for a while now about one of the hardest parts of
my personal journey: about how I was in a depressed and suicidal state for much
of my college life and then how God rescued me from it and brought redemption!
It amazes me sometimes how He has brought me from such a dark and lonely place
to such a bright and fruitful place. How
he is using someone who wanted to kill himself and turned him into a man of God
who instead desires to bring life!How he transformed me into someone who simply
wants to do the will of his Father and to be who his Father has made him to be and to now in turn be there for
people who are currently depressed and suicidal.
I
am a living testament to the fact that God works in mysterious ways and that he
uses everything for good.
I
first noticed something was amiss in August of 2000. Surprisingly, it was while
I was volunteering at a Young Life camp down here in Georgia.
I
was a dishwasher for that month and was journaling after we finished work one
day, and I was really angry... but had no idea why.
at Young Life's Sharp Top Cove in August 2000. I actually have mostly really good memories of this month...
A
month later, I ended up going to college at Spring Arbor University, 30 minutes
from my hometown. I never wanted to go there in a million years, but after
starting out at a small school in the mountains of North Carolina, and then
strongly feeling like I wasn't supposed to be there... I left and started going
to Spring Arbor.
freshman dorm room... legendary loft :)
The
most prominent things I remember about my first few years of college was
gradually getting more and more into art and photography, and enjoying that... but
yet at the same time thinking that life was all-around crappy and feeling like
nobody truly cared about me. I had a few genuine friends whom I believe really
did care about me, but yet I still felt like I was invisible in the shadows and
that nobody ever noticed me. I was lonely,
depressed, numb and thinking about suicide quite a bit.
sophomore year (2001-02), with a windburned face after skiing in Colorado
One of the worst
things was that I thought all of those feelings were relatively normal... and so
I didn't think they were that big of a deal and therefore never asked anyone
for help. I just thought life sucked and that there was no real point. I
honestly thought sometimes that I would be better off dead.
this was toward the end of my freshman year (2001). I was wearing this to illustrate a point for a presentation of some kind for speech class. :)
But
then, sometime during the fall of 2002, (my jr. year of college) God must've
decided that enough was enough. While I was at class one day, my roommate John (who was a good friend that I'd known since elementary school and lived with for the first 3 and a half
years of college) had this strong feeling like he was supposed to read my
journal. As he was headed out of the room, he picked it up from my
desk and opened it to one page. The one single word that jumped out to him was
'suicide.' He later told our RA/friend/suite-mate and they decided to take
action.
I'll
never forget the next Saturday morning and being welcomed into the day by the
two of them sitting there watching me wake up. John told me how he read
my journal and that they basically wanted to know what was going on.
Tears
started to well up in my eyes.
Even
to this day, I can still feel a hint of that emotion I felt that morning. It
was the first time in years that I could FEEL
and SEE that someone truly and
genuinely cared about how I was doing! And man was it needed!
I
have no doubt that other people in my life (like, family for example) at that
time also sincerely cared about me and loved me... but for reasons I cannot identify...
I just very rarely felt or received any of that love.
As
a result of that Saturday morning in '02, and how it was totally God that led
John to see that word 'suicide' in my journal... I started to see some
counselors and psychiatrists and got on medication.
Slowly,
the healing came.
In
the years since... I foolishly and pridefully decided to stop taking my
medication a couple times. I didn't want to have to depend on a pill to 'be
happy.'
I
remember getting this vision/thought in my head while I was on the Race in
Peru in 2007. I thought about a masterpiece painting that hangs in a museum. You know...
a painting by Monet or Seurat, Da Vinci or Duchamp. When you see those
paintings hanging in a museum, all you see or think about is the finished
product there on the wall in front of you. You don't think so much (or care)
about the hours and hours, perhaps YEARS that it took to create that painting.
All that really matters is the final masterpiece there on the wall.
Nude Descending a Staircase, No. 2 - by Marcel Duchamp..... one of my favorite paintings
I
think God gave me that vision to apply to my own life... because I remember
thinking along with that, 'Who cares if I have to take a little pill to be at
my best. My legacy... what I will be remembered for will be HOW I lived my life
and WHO I am... not so much about the ingredients and experiences/events it took
to get to that point.'
I
am still taking an anti-depressant to this day. I wish I didn't need to... and
maybe I don't really need to anymore... but, I'm doing it because I do think it
plays a part in me being at my best. And I want to live my life being at my
best... not at some subpar level.
self portrait in Nov. 2004
I
amazes me sometimes where God has brought me since those years in college! He got
me so into art & photography that I ended up majoring in it! He's taken me
to Japan THREE times now and somehow created a huge soft-spot in my heart for
that country. He's taken me on so many little jaunts and adventures all over
the US and the WORLD! He's given me friends, mentors, family members and
countless experiences that have taught me SOOO many things that have helped
make me a better man and a better example of Himself. And with depression... He's
given me so much more wisdom and maturity with it, and helped me identify and
understand the triggers and given me the strength to be proactive with those
things and to counteract them! And He's continuously helping me to 'take every
thought captive to the obedience of Christ...' (2 Cor. 10:5) He's also given me a pretty strong desire and passion to help and speak life into people who struggle with being depressed and suicidal.
He
even took me on The World Race!!!... and completely and forever changed the
course of my life!
I
am so grateful for what He's done for me and where He's taking me!!!
Here is a promotional video for one of AIM's high school mission trip programsthat I had a big hand in making. AIM uses this video on websites as a tool to recruit trip participants, and it will probably be used in church events and other gatherings too I would imagine.
I did a lot with the idea brainstorming and storyboarding, I casted most of the actors, coordinated shooting times and locations, was the assistant director for the actual filming, and did a lot of editing work on it too.
And... :) I'm in the video (the one riding the carousel), and the bedroom scene was shot in my room and some of the 'costumes' were my clothes too :)
So, this will give you a direct look at some of the actual work I'm doing down here.
I've been down in Georgia for over a month now, and am overdue with giving an update on how things have been.
I can gladly say that for the first time in several years, I have complete peace and contentment about where I am in life! The geographical location... the job... the community and the people I work and live with... the direction I'm heading in... it's all good!
the main AIM sign
I'm learning a lot already... and have no doubt that I'm going to be learning and discovering a lot more too.
There have been a number of people who have already prayed for me and given me prophetic words of encouragement about what my time down here is going to be... and what God is going to do.
If I haven't said it before... or if you've been unclear as to why exactly I'm down here in Gainesville, Georgia working for Adventures In Missions... it's because God has no doubt lead me here! Most of the reasons why, revolves around the notion of this being a season of empowerment and strengthening and gaining the confidence I need to be able to better live in the giftings and strengths that God has given me!
I know without a doubt... that God is going to use me in BIG ways to help accomplish His purposes here in Earth.
People have gotten visions/pictures about me and my time down here while they've been praying for me. Things like the evolutionary picture of the monkey progressing into a fully upright human who is walking tall... and how my time down here is going to be me coming more into my own and being able to walk/live fully upright and confidently in who God has created me to be.
Images of me being like a seed and totally getting watered and growing while I'm down here.
just outside the AIM office
God has been working on my heart with the pastor I worked under in Japan. He's helping me to see pastor はた more as He sees him... helping me to release him and forgive him and get rid of the bitterness that I've been harboring toward him. There's some more to be done I think... but it's been really beneficial and healing already.
My typical week so far has been a normal 40-hr work week in the office (which... that's the one thing I don't like about working here: being in an office in front of a computer almost all day. But... even with that said, I am still content.)
I have jumped in with Young Life since I've been down here, volunteer leading.
This past summer/fall when I was trying to figure out what to do and where to go, I was applying and pursuing a number of YL Staff positions as an Associate Area Director, but kept running into things like, "You're a great candidate and have a lot to offer... but we'd like someone with more experience in this specific area." I was pretty surprised and confused by those comments... because I thought God was leading me in that direction and I thought I would have been a great fit in one of those positions. I then talked to a couple of regional directors and one of them really suggested I pursue volunteer leading in an area for a while and simply get some hands on experience and build some credibility with an actual area director.
I haven't been assigned a school to focus on yet, but I've been involved in Club every Monday so far, done a touch of contact work (going and meeting kids at the school) and been to some training sessions.
Not only will this give me great YL experience, but it's also allowing me to get involved in the Gainesville community outside of AIM and the biggest reason why I have dove into YL down here is to exercise my discipleship giftings.
I'm living in an awesome house with 7 other guys (6 of which work at the same organization in some way). I am very blessed to be living there because they're very intentional about community and striving for Christ-like excellence in every part of life.
It's an incredible 'iron sharpens iron' type of environment.
"The Lakehouse"
The other thing going on down here with me is the Apprenticeship program that I'm a part of. We have a couple of meetings each week filled with exercises and discussions all centered around empowering us and helping us to be more and more of who God has made us to be. I'm getting discipled by 2 different guys now... and am way excited about that.
God is good! And I believe I'm in the center of his will right now and right where he wants me to be :)
I still need some more $$ to keep me here though: another $5,000 or so to be fully funded for this 8 months.
As God moves in my life and through my life... I would love to have as many people as possible partner with me and be involved in this specific little branch of God's work.
-If you're reading this blog and are not yet supporting me financially or prayerfully, I encourage you to pray about it and find out if God is pulling you toward this or not.
-If you're reading this blog and ARE supporting me financially and/or prayerfully... THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! All of this would not be happening with out you!!! Seriously... pat yourself on the back and thank God for his awesomeness... because I do! I'd like to invite you though and ask you to think and pray about joining up with me on a monthly basis. I am fully intending to be a missionary for the majority of the rest of my life... and am therefore going to be in need of financial support for a long time.
Please let me know if there's anything I can be praying for you about... because I love praying for people and encouraging them.
There's something to be said for what one's focus is on in life.
When you focus on one thing, object, issue or even a person... everything else fades away and goes out of focus.
Swaziland, June.2007
I mean, think of a photograph that exhibits great depth of field... one part of the shot, or one segment of the distance or depth that lies in front of you is in crisp focus... and everything before and after that segment gradually goes more and more out of focus. When you look at that picture... your gaze and your attention goes straight to that area that is in crisp focus. You may glance on the blurry parts of the image... but probably just briefly. The detail and intrigue of that object in focus is what draws you in.
Hillsdale, MI, Oct.2011
This past December 13th, I journaled about how I had been discouraged recently about God providing for my financial needs and housing once I moved to Georgia in January.
He then reminded me of one of the biggest time in my life when I had to really trust Him for my basic provisions: Portland.
Portland, OR, Jan.2010
I moved to Portland, Oregon on October 1st, 2009, after I completed the one-year internship at Washington Family Ranch in the middle of Oregon. The day I left the ranch I didn't have a house/apartment lined up... and no longer had any source of income... not even any prospects of a job at that point. My 6 months in Portland turned into a season in which God really taught me some important lessons in relying on Him and trusting that He would follow through and provide what I needed.
Nishinomiya, Japan, Aug.2010
Anyway... back to this past December. I was journaling about feeling discouraged and felt led to go back and re-read some of my journals from my time in Portland.
One entry particularly jumped out to me.
In that entry I wrote how I had recently read a devotional about Jesus & Peter walking on the water, and how AS SOON as Peter took his eyes off of Jesus... he began to sink.
"that's a good lesson... keep our eyes on Jesus...our gaze upon Him.
This is just a perfect time to walk that out." -ryan's journal, 10/7/09
As I read that back in December, I wrote,
"so true... and so fitting for me today and recently. I can't let the things...all the vast amount of 'things' of this world capture my gaze away from Jesus and where my gaze ought to be." -ryan's journal, 12/13/11
This is so absolutely true for everyone at anytime in life!
Nishinomiya, Japan, Sep.2010
There are so many things in life that can capture our gaze... so many things that can take our attention off of Jesus. The moments when we are focusing on the 'winds and the waves' like Peter did, are the moments when we will begin to sink too. Those are the moments when we lose faith... we lose faith in our creator who is MORE POWERFUL than the 'winds and the waves' of our own lives!!
Fukuma, Japan, Feb.2011
In the same exact way that Jesus had dominion and complete control over those crazy and scary winds and waves...is the same exact way that he is BIGGER than any problem or circumstance that shows up in our lives!
I've ever so slightly begun to work on this in my own life. Money and financial provision is probably the biggest thing I worry about in life. Recently, in the moments when I've begun to think about money I've started to remind myself to simply stop worrying about those things and simply start thinking about Jesus.
I start thinking about how he totally and lovingly provided for me in Portland. I think about how he loves me no matter what... and loves me just the same no matter how much money I have in my bank account or how other people may think of me.
It's pretty rad how those petty little worries will melt away and become less of an issue just like the depth-of-field in a photograph.
Portland, OR, Jan.2010...
One way God provided for me there was giving me a job as a school bus driver. :)
National Gallery of Art, Washington D.C., Apr.2011
So with that said... I encourage you to remember Peter walking... and then sinking on the water in front of Jesus. Simply choose to keep your eyes and your gaze upon Jesus who is standing right in front of you... and those winds and waves of you own life will too melt away.
The New Century Version of Job 37:14: "Job listen to this: stop and notice God's miracles."
The English Standard Version of Job 37:14: "Hear this, O Job; stop and consider the wondrous works of God."
I was reading Job a couple hours ago, when this verse distinctly jumped out to me.
I consulted my trusty Webster's Dictionary to find out what actually defines a 'miracle.'
We all have our own preconceived opinions, more or less, of what is actually a miracle and what isn't.
For example, I just saw an article/video on Yahoo.com about a 21-year-old student at the University of Arizona who was in a terrible 5-car accident. He ended up in a coma and was "believed to be brain dead and [was] poised to be an organ donor, [but] miraculously recovered just hours before doctors were considering taking him off life support."
That is no doubt a miracle!
And there's this story from current World Racer, Kelly DeCaster:
"ZECHARIAH: He was blind. Now he sees. It's simple yet unbelievable. Zechariah had been nearly blind for 10 years. His eyelids remained closed due to nonuse. After we prayed we asked him to open his eyes. His eyelids raised and we saw his eyes fighting to look into ours. He said, 'I couldn't see, but now I see well.' His joy was revealed in his tears."
But ponder with me what Mr. Webster has to say:
mir-a-cle (mir'e kel) n. [[< L mirus, wonderful]]
1 an event or action that apparently contradicts known scientific laws
2 a remarkable thing
so, then I read the definition of remarkable:
re-mark'a-ble adj. worthy of notice; extraordinary ---re-mark'a-bly adv.
According to those definitions, I believe that more things indeed qualify as miracles than I, and likely most people, originally thought.....which is pretty cool I'd say.
Sitting here right now... I truly consider it a miracle that God has been molding me and HEALING me as effectively as he has after working under that pastor in Japan! It truly has been remarkable!
And the fact that he's given me parents that have allowed me to come and live in their house again for 9 months while getting healed... and how's he given me so many different odd jobs to make money during this time too! It's incredible how he works!!!
Getting back to the Job verse itself... both version say, "stop..." and then basically say 'pay attention!'
We humans (especially us affluent Americans) so often get way too distracted by world things. Things that do not deserve any time to be spent on them, (like the game minesweeper on the computer! I've been addicted to that stupid thing lately! grrr...) too often take precedence over hangin' out with God and discovering more about him.
I, for one, need to just 'stop!' much more frequently!
Stop... and pay attention to the miraculous works of God.
From that verse, I'm also getting the vibe that it's implying that God's miracle are all around us!
It's so easy to get caught up in what there is to "do" all the time...and TOTALLY miss the miraculous and amazing things that happen everyday.
This brings me back to the idea that many of us wrestled with out on The Race... 'being' vs. 'doing.'
my mentor, Craig, in Minnesota this past August
I mean think about Mary & Martha in Luke 10.
(this story has actually randomly popped into my head a few times recently)
verse 39: "...Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching." (esv)
verse 40: "...Martha was distracted with much serving..."(esv)
verse 42: Jesus: "Only one thing is important."(ncv)
"...Mary has chosen the better thing... and it will never be taken away from her."(ncv)
That's pretty straight forward to me:
'being'... especially in regards to 'being' in the presence of God, is more important than working and even serving. He doesn't say, "always do 'this' and never do 'that'..." He simply says, one is better than the other.
That's something to really think about.
And as an attempt to help you remember and hang onto what God is hopefully speaking to you though all this... (and a means to get another recent photo into my blog :) ... take this visual aide:
This is my mentor Craig again... and here is his own caption to this shot:
"This is my......"come here......I am going to spiritually punch you in the mouth!" look.
:)
Think of this as God looking at you and lovingly, yet firmly saying, "Hey! Come here... there's something we need to work on... something I want to teach you."
These are two things that have been prophesied over me within the last year and a half. Both of them have brought me a lot of peace and a lot of confidence.
The Joseph one came just a couple months ago. In a similar way that God made Joseph's journey very atypical and seemingly random ...so has He made me.(Joseph was betrayed and sold into slavery by his brothers, and taken to foreign lands and put into jail, took a number of steps that seemed be backwards steps... and then BAM he's the second most powerful man in all of Egypt!) I haven't been sold, or been in jail...but I've done a lot of random and short-lived things since I finished college in November 2005:
lived back with my parents 4 separate times
had 14 different kinds of work: newspaper reporter, photographer (sports, horses, weddings), grocery store clerk, lawn mower, house painter, salmon boat guy, waiter, maintenance, videographer, school bus driver, english teacher and plexiglass display case maker)
spent 1 month in Sweden
spent 3 weeks in Alaska where I survived a hotel fire
went on the World Race which took me to 18 different countries on 5 continents
interned at 2 different Young Life camps for 1 year and 3 months total (Minnesota & Oregon)
lived in Portland, OR for 6 months
spent 11 months in Japan as a missionary
have spent time in 36 states
I suppose my story is a wee bit unusual, yeah?
But I have peace now that all these things have just been a part the unique journey God has me on and that I've learned necessary lessons from each and every one of these things... and thus hopefully becoming more of the man that God has created me to be.
The last 7-8 months in particular has been a season of healing for me.
This is why God lead me back to my hometown in Michigan after my time Japan. I needed healing after working in Shukugawa. I needed to be around familiar people, places and things. (When I returned back to the States, I noticed that I was always apologizing for the tiniest things. I believe that was rooted by the fact that I constantly felt like a burden to the family and church I was working under in Japan.) I needed to be back in a church that is truly driven by love, not condemnation, and a church that exhibits freedom and hasn't made 'the study of the bible' an idol that is more important than actually living out the what the bible says.
Spending time down at AIM in Georgia in September was God's finishing touches on my season of healing.
I can proudly and confidently tell you that right now... I feel stronger than I ever have!
With that said...
I am pleased to publicly announce that I will soon be moving down to Gainesville, GA to serve at Adventures In Missions (AIM) through the World Race Apprentice program!
The program is 8 months and during that time, I will be serving in the home office of AIM in their marketing dept. doing photography and videography... helping to spread the word of what God is doing through AIM and throughout the world! I'll also be discipled while I'm there also.
I know this is just another internship/temporary type thing... but I have no doubt this is the next step in the journey God has me on! No doubt that I will be challenged and sharpened in ways that I really need it and in ways that will equip me for the rest of my life and in whatever my long term ministry ends up being. I know that EVERY time I've been on an AIM trip or at an AIM event... I am challenged and grow like crazy! Their spiritual DNA just clicks with me. I want to be around all that as much as I can! I'm also doing this to get familiarized with the changes and new things at AIM since I did the World Race 4 years ago, with the intention of possibly leading a World Race or other trips with AIM down the road.
This will never get off the ground though unless people like you are willing to give financially and pray for me. It's a way for you to personally and directly influence the kingdom of God in this world! And God will definitely bless you through your prayers and giving.
I need $3,500 to start this Apprenticeship, and $13,500 total for the 8 months. (and hopefully more down the road as I live the rest of my life doing mission work) That may seem like a lot (it did to me at first) but know that this will be my full-time job for 8 months, and the majority of this'll be my income to live off of for that time. That total includes $1,500 for the program itself and the rest is $1,500/mo. for my personal salary as I serve Jesus and let Him mold me in this 40-hr/wk job.
If you'd like to give, monthly or one time only, click "SUPPORT ME!", below my picture at the top left corner of this page. OR you can send a check (with my name in the memo space) to:
Adventures In Missions
PO Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
A cool verse that I encourage you to look at is Mark 4:24
"The way you give to others is the way God will give to you, but God will give you even more."
It's truth.
That word 'empire builder' that was prophesied over me in May '10, has definitely resonated in my heart...and I'm confident that God indeed has HUGE things that He's going to use me for down the road.... perhaps in a similar way that He used Joseph. I would love it you'd help me live that out.
Thank you so much!
And please remember that I love to pray for people, so if there's anything you would like prayer for, or have any questions about all of this, please don't hesitate to contact me.
God has been doing some reallyBIGthings in me lately!!
In mid-September I ended up going down to Gainesville, Georgia for AIM'sAwakeningConference.
And for lack of a better word... I was straight up AWAKENED!!!
It was weird to be back there at AIM... for the first time since WR training camp in Sep. '06. Pretty surreal. I think it was surreal because the World Race was so incredibly monumental for me, and that whole journey began in Gainesville at that AIM complex.
The Awakening is 48 hours of awesome worship, messages and time to hang out with old friends. AIM had had 2 of these conferences previously, but both had been in Europe and I wasn't able to make it to either of them.
God had been totally nudging my heart to take the time and money to get to this first stateside one in Georgia. And I figured I'd stick around for a couple days after to spend more time with old friends.
Aside from one night while I was at the Young Life camp in Oregon in early '09, I hadn't been around any spirit-led/spirit-filled/open-ended (however you want to name it) worship of any kind. So, it had been way too long since I'd been around worship like that.
Once I was actually at the Awakening, one of the first things I noticed while I was under that big circus tent during worship and listening to speakers and praying and spending time with old friends... was thatGod was awakeningthe lion insideof me!!
*(we did these personality evaluations before we left for the Race, and the results were shown by matching us to 4 different animals in various degrees: otter (extroverted, verbal, lively); beaver (detailed oriented, analytical); golden retriever (nurturing, relationship oriented) & lion (leadership, strength). Lion is the biggest one in me and personally comes with passion and a fierceness)
The first night down there, I said hi to Seth Barnes (the head dude at AIM, and who was one of our squad coaches, but whom I hadn't seen in 4 years) and we got to talking a bit. He mentions this new ministry they have started called Kingdom Dreams, and that they're having this 6 day workshop called Searchlight, that starts the day after the Awakening. He said those 2 things are their attempt at helping Racers who are fresh off the field to find what the next step is. To help them identify what their passions are and to help them discover what their ultimate, overarching dream is within the Kingdom of God.
It sounded pretty good to me, so I asked him, "Even though I am not fresh off the WR, could I go and check it out?"
"Of course. Go talk to Seth Jr."
My expectations apparently weren't very high as my initial intention was just to check out this Searchlight thing for the first day or two and then hit the road toward my next destination.
:)
Little did I know that God would show up big time (um... DUH, of course He'd show up!) and reveal all kinds of things to me and TOTALLY give me the direction that I had been praying for and seeking FOR MONTHS!!
Needless to say... I stayed for the entire week.
Searchlight was so very beneficial for me. There was 30-40 people taking part in this workshop, and I was by far the 'longest tenured' Racer so-to-speak. (I had been back in the States for 4 years, most of the others had been back 2-6 weeks.)
I could probably write 10 blogs about things I learned at Searchlight!
But, here's the biggest things:
My Passions
1) I was aware of this one beforehand, but my heart mainly lies in discipling/mentoring/shepherding high school/college/young adult guys. I love speaking and pouring life into people and helping them see and know how much Jesus loves them and how he created them uniquely and to know their identity in Christ. I want to raise up spiritual warriors!
2) Leadership. The lion in me comes into play here too. I need a lot more experience with this, but God's given me a lot of strengths here.
3) I have a passion for (and have been prophesied over that I am anointed in this) ministering to people who struggle with depression and who are suicidal...as I struggled with both of those things a lot while I was in college. Of these 3 passions, this one is the most undeveloped. I have very little experience with this, and so I have a ton to learn still. But with that, God has given me some visions for how He's going to use me with this.
My overall vision/kingdom dream is to:
Meet, minister to and disciple young Japanese and raise them up as Japanese missionaries and send them out amongst the nations!
I have something lined up for the next chapter in my life that I'm excited to share with you all... and I will try try try to post another blog within the next week and tell you all about it and ask for your help in making it happen.
Thank you thank you for all your prayers!
Please let me know if there is anything I can be praying for you about.
Chikako was kind enough to voluntarily offer and then house my parents for 2 days while they visited.
Michiko is probably the most polite of any of the students I had and probably had the gentlest spirit.
Kazuko... the class started with just the two of us, and was a little awkward... but we grew to really enjoy each other's company.
I wanted to do a quick little post as somewhat of a tribute to my students in Japan.
Virtually all of my students were magnificent! So kind and respectful. A lot of them invited me out for lunch or dinner... they would bring me gifts... give me advice about good places to visit. I was able to build some awesome relationships with many of them... some that I've continued to stay in touch with.
Some of them had never even heard of Jesus before... some had gone to a christian school growing up. Most were Buddhist. But I know without a doubt that every student that ever came to one of my classes left knowing or experiencing a little bit more of the Bible and more of who Jesus is.
Eiko is really sweet & gentle.
Maki has a really warm heart, is really personable and is very easy to talk to.
Yukako is a quiet college student, but when she smiles it never ceased to warm me up a bit.
Fumiyo and I had a class to ourselves... but it was so great that way...classes with her went by fast. She loves to explore, so she gave me great tips on places to go.
Haru was a top-level student, so we had some great conversations. He was so eager to learn English...which always helps out the teacher.
Now these two... :) Out of all my students, I probably got the closest with these two.
Eiko is awesome. She speaks probably the best English of any of the students I had... and speaks Spanish. We felt so at ease with each other, and she was probably the person most genuinely willing to listen to me and wanting to know how I was doing. Great friend!
Takako is awesome too! She's so candid and transparent... not afraid to share her heart. She's really compassionate...she is definitely searching and God is reaching out to her big time. and I know He has some big plans for her if she realizes them and walks toward Him.
Kenjiwas definitely the hungriest and most interested in the gospel and wanting to understand it... than any other student I had. He is also a professional photographer... so we had lots to talk about. Real sincere and genuine guy.
Takashi and I hit it off well from the beginning. If we spoke the same language completely... I think we'd be pretty good friends.
Maki (Takashi's wife) is soft-spoken, and shy (though I think it's rooted out of selfless respect for others)... but she's a thinker, and it's clear that she strives to do well in everything she does.
This class was a pleasure to have.
The woman on the left was a friend of my student on the right, Megumi.
Risa (holding the flowers) is so gentle and polite. She's an actress at a very famous theater company but was so humble about it. The few times she came to my class, it was a pleasure to have her.
Megumi is awesome! She moved to America after only being my student for a few months... but we became great friends. She's so honest and animated, and was one of those students that always lights up a room. I was actually able to visit her in New Jersey this past spring.
My kindergartners!
Azumi was my favorite! I'm sorry everyone else, but she is my favorite person in all of Japan! I so wish we spoke the same language... because we bonded so quickly. I could go on and on about the things I love about Azu...but all I'll say is that she's the one person from Japan that I continue to pray for almost everyday...and she was the only person that I cried after saying goodbye to.
Honoka is a funny and sweet little girl. I never quite understood her... but she was great to have in class.
Tomofumi is one smart kid! He's such a boy's boy... and he's really genuine and fun to mess around with.
Keisei... he's an interesting one. He's a good kid, but hilariously random! This kid will end up being a visionary.
Junko is gentle and humble. I appreciated her transparency and willingness to be open in conversation. I was really glad she was in my class. To respect her wishes, I won't say anything else except that she could really use your prayers for encouragement and strength.
Yoko is a very polite and respectful woman. She asks great questions, and we grew quite comfortable with one another.
These were my 'returnees' students. Meaning, they had lived in an English speaking country before or had an English speaking parent. So, they were quite good at English. We even read Charlotte's Web together.
Melissa is really fun to have in class. She was kind of a cheater at games... but she has a very uppity and joyful spirit that was always more than welcome. She was also great at helping Honoka with worksheets.
Honoka all the sudden became a riot! She showed up one week and was all the sudden a goofball. She's a great learner and definitely made this class fun.
Daiki was a newcomer to the class, and I don't think I ever saw the real Daiki... but he's a great kid and loves baseball.
This class was pretty fun and relaxed. I enjoyed it.
Minami joined my class later on, but she was a great addition. She's a very devoted student and has a very warm heart and was a pleasure to spend time with.
Kaori was an exchange student in Arkansas, so it was cool to talk about America at times. She has a very joyful spirit and always seems to be smiling.
Reiko is really shy, but clearly has a great heart. It was cool to see her open up a bit when some others joined the class.
Misaki was an absolute joy to have in class. She's really light-hearted and joyful... and one of those people that brightens up a room as soon as they walk in.
This was my biggest class (had 8 one time) and was sometimes a bit overwhelming, but for the most part they were a pleasure to have.
Yuko is a very detailed and serious student. She's really polite, and has a big heart for her kids.
Eiko is gentle and a bit shy, but she's got a great heart and I liked having her in class.
Yukie joined the class later on... but she's got spunk and genuineness that was a great addition to the class.
Shuko is really polite and soft-spoken, and really personable and compassionate.
Risa, is the actress, andI talked about her earlier.
Yuriko joined us late, but was a good addition to the class. A really sweet woman.
Tomomi (in blue) was pretty shy at first, but gets really excited about things sometimes and it's cool to see her enthusiasm. She says she's a christian, but I'm not so sure. Be praying for her if you would.
Miyoko was a make-up student from another class, so I didn't get to know her very well.
Junko joined the class toward the end of my time there, so I didn't get to know her all that well, but she was really polite and respectful.
Nami (in pink) was the other student that I got the closest with. She has a really warm heart and is really friendly. She too was someone who seemed to truly care about how I was doing. We had some fun times in class. AND she definitely gets the award for 'funniest thing said by one of my students.' I had previously explained to her what it meant to be an 'early bird' and what it meant to be a 'night owl.' A couple weeks later she says to me during class, "I'm not a night owl, and I'm not an early bird. I'm just a lazy ass." HILARIOUS!
Fumiko was pretty shy, but she has a cool down-to-earth demeanor about her. I see a compassionate heart in her. She was a great addition to the class.
I had more students than this, but don't have pictures of them all.
Even with all the negative stuff that happened while I was over there... relationships with my students was probably the best thing about my time over there. I had some amazing conversations with some of them and God showed up in some big ways... and I know He used me in some really big ways in people's lives.
TO MY STUDENTS...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HEARTS AND LOVE!
Ok...so, it's been over 1 year and 3 months since I've updated this thing. I never intended it to be that long of an absence. I'm sorry.
Last time I left you, I had been in Japan for about 6 weeks.
traditional dancing at a summer festival
Now... I have been back in the States for just over 5 months. I want to give you the rundown on the rest of my time over there, if you haven't heard it already.
Before I even left Oregon in March 2010 to head to Japan, I had signed a 2-year contract with the church/school that I was going to work for, and of course had every intention of keeping that contract. I know that no ministry or life situation will ever be perfect... but if you look back at my previous blog entry on here, you'll notice how even just 6 weeks in... something was already rubbing me the wrong way about the pastor there. (I think I even noticed stuff just 2 weeks in) Something in my spirit just wasn't at peace.
fish kites were all along this river for a few weeks. if I remember correctly, they were for the 'boy's day' holiday.
Turns out, that uneasiness would eventually develop into the biggest reason why I left that particular ministry.
I don't want to complain or judge or share things that I probably shouldn't in a public venue such as this... but I'll attempt to give you just the nutshell version. Basically... I sometimes felt like I was working in a cult. I was chatting with the two outgoing American teachers soon after my arrival, and they were explaining some things about the church/school there and I said to them, "Dude... it sounds like you are describing a cult!"
"Yeah. It definitely feels that way sometimes."
I can give you more details privately if you so desire, but things this pastor said and preached... some of the ways he came across... the way he treats people sometimes... the condemning spirit he seems to have... all of it culminated to where I could no longer in good conscience or good faith support his ministry or his church.
I had around 40 or 45 students in 16 classes, and I quickly grew to care for them quite a bit... and as a missionary it is our job to obviously share the gospel, but it is also our job to plug them into church bodies & communities. I didn't want them (and I believe God gave me peace about it) to go to that particular church. I didn't want them to go there and see that church, meet and listen to that pastor and experience that atmosphere... and think that was an accurate picture of Christ or His intention of church. This may sound over-dramatic, but there were honestly a few times over the course of my year over there that this pastor reminded me of the demon-possessed man, Joe Peacemaker, that I met on the first week on The Race in Mexico. ***I'm not by any means saying this pastor was demon-possessed, so please don't misunderstand me... I just mean that interacting with him kind of messed with my head and beliefs in similar ways.***
There was a Japanese guy, in his early 30s, who had spent 10 years in Hawaii, that started coming to church a few months after I first arrived. Since he knew English pretty well (and because I hadn't progressed in Japanese like I had hoped to) we were able to get to know each other. He was having some family problems, and was TOTALLY seeking and looking for answers! We ended up hanging out about 4 times a month on average for the whole time I was there. He told me about his one-on-one meetings with the pastor (that I worked for) and basically that the pastor had the point-the-finger mentality towards him and was way more condemning of him than he was anything else. Seriously lacking on the love aspect. Long story short... my friend was totally turned off toward church, and kind of toward christianity altogether. Thankfully, he was still willing to hang out with me... and I was able to share the real truth of Jesus as best I could... not the condemning version he had been hearing.
So... after a LOT of prayer and opinion seeking from trusted friends and family... I gave my required 6-months notice for leaving earlier than the 2 years.
a time lapse shot of the local train station
a trip, of any length, wouldn't be complete without somekind of Mario exposure :)
Overall... even amidst all the struggle and confusion, there was a lot of good things that happened while I was there. I know that God taught me things and molded me in some key areas, and I know for a fact that God used me for some awesome things, People got a much clearer view of who Jesus is... People experienced Him in brand new ways... and some simply heard about Him for the first time.
While I didn't particularly enjoy the 'being a teacher' part of the gig, I LOVED the relationship building part! I liked that a majority of my classes consisted mostly of conversation, as it paved the way for relationships to really take off. A number of them I am still in contact with even now.
this is Ryosaku, haha... in one of his finer moments. he wasn't one of my students, but took me out to dinner and things quite a bit. I guess you could say he was like my Japanese grandpa.
it may be surprising to some... but Japanese baseball games are way more fun than they are here in the US
meet Azumi. :) she went to the church, and was one of my kindergarten students. she was definitely the hardest person to say goodbye to. I miss her dearly.....I mean how can you not smile at her!
lanterns at a summer festival
I had some amazing conversations with my students, in and out of class. We talked about really deep biblical topics, what marriage is like in Japan, Buddhist and Shinto traditions and practices, life goals & dreams, family issues and even laser hair removal. :) There were a few people in the church that I connected with pretty well and got to know and was able to challenge them as they challenged me. And I loved spending time with the kids in the church.
One class conversation that sticks out was when a student was telling me about her past week. She's an elementary teacher and not a christian. The father of one of her students had recently died, and as the student's teacher, she went to the funeral... which happened to be a Christian funeral since the family was Christian. (which... right off the bat is pretty rare, since around 1% of Japanese are Christian) In the same way that Christianity is pretty intricately woven into American culture and history, the same is true with Buddhism in Japan. She had obviously never been to a Christian funeral, and was quite surprised that the people at this funeral were much less sad and how it just felt warmer in general... compared to a Buddhist funeral. She wanted to know why.
I was so glad she brought it up, because it gave me an AMAZING opportunity to explain what Christians believe about heaven, and how we believe the deceased person (if they've been saved) has gone to a MUCH better place, and that is something to be relatively joyful about. She, and the other students seemed to be pretty intrigued by the Christian concept of heaven.
These next 5 shots are kids from church. This is Ren, who actually has an American mother
Kaishu & Kenya
Natsumi, the kid's handbell choir
Eishu
Ran, Sakura & Ai... church girls at a park fountain
I became pretty close with a few of the other American teachers there... and was even the best man, photographer and only guest at the wedding of one of the teachers...
one of the other teachers at the school, Josh, (who I became really good friends with) marrying a Japanese girl
Some other positive things: I got to go a few times to an awesome international church nearby and met some cool people there... I briefly hooked up with Young Life in the area... became friends with a missionary from New Zealand who was pretty encouraging, helpful and even prophetic a couple times. I finally hunted down some basketball...got to visit an incredible family near Tokyo that I knew from college...
this is Dr. Shin... he's the pastor of a church outside of Tokyo, that I spent some time with while I was in college. It was so unbelievingly refreshing, to go and visit him and his family during this past year in Japan. They are overflowing with love, hospitality, joy and generosity!!
...got a visit from an old friend from the race, Mr. Jon Hiebert...
Jon came for a few days, and even though I had to work most of the time, we were able to go up to this resort town, Arima, one day.
...got a little freaked out from a minor earthquake... got to take my parents around Japan a bit during their first time in Asia... bought a pretty cool little bicycle that folded up all transformer-like.
I left the country 2 weeks before the big earthquake/tsunami/nuclear mess, and upon leaving Japan, I decided to come back to my hometown in southern Michigan for the time being. I believe God was drawing me here for the spring/summer to be back in a familiar place after the trying experience I'd had. I needed to be back around people I know and trust... and just get some healing spiritually and mentally.
muahaha!
I'm gonna end this blog here... but I'm planning to get a couple more posts up in the coming weeks. I wanna share more about where I'm at spiritually right now and what I think God's doing in my life... and what I am hoping and praying for with the future.
Also, during my time in Japan, I was able to go and spend 2 weeks with the missionaries in Thailand that I hooked up with on the Race. So, I've got a bit to share about that.
So... stay tuned my friends.........ninja ryan shall return!
hilltop view of the Kobe/Osaka mega-metropolis I lived in
First off, I'll say that I am doing much better than I was almost 5 weeks ago when I posted last.
I have almost 4 weeks of teaching under my belt now, and I am
actually pretty comfortable with it for the most part. All of my adult/high
school classes have consisted of almost all conversations thus far...which is
totally okay with me! Not only do I 100% believe that conversation is by far the
best way to learn a language (much more so than textbooks), but, if nothing
else, I simply enjoy building relationships with my students.
It is weird though to think of myself as having my own
'students'! ... And to think of myself as a teacher to begin with.
one of my 6 kindergarten students
But yet here I am... just another part of this ongoing journey
of ours, called life.
this is 10 minutes from my house
I feel like I am adapting and adjusting to life in Japan
pretty
well now. I'm not in love with the country like I used to be...but at
least now I
think I accept it and the fact that I am indeed here for a while, and that it is apparently where God wants me to be.
church potluck
in the sanctuary after church
My relationships with the other teachers are going pretty
well, especially with the guys that I live with. I'm slowly getting to know the
people at the church better (which is really good because there's some really
cool people there) and making some friends with the kiddies. But the church
side of my time here, as a whole, has been kind of bleh. Which...(and I may offend or
disappoint some people by saying this) I've never really felt like I've gotten
a whole lot outta 'church', to begin with (except in Portland it was pretty
good)...and at the same time I probably haven't given much to church either, in terms of involvement... but anyway, it's
taking some additional getting-used-to with being at church for most of the day
on Sunday here. And then there's the thing of; I-don't-know-what-I-think-of-the-pastor-yet... I just get some weird feelings from him. I've also been surprised
at the complete lack of any relationship with him thus far. But I'll leave it
at that for now though.
I will say that I have been reminded of the fact of needing
to remember that God is bar-none my ultimate and final authority...in absolutely
EVERYTHING! I need to remember that Christ did not come to bring peace...but rather a
sword. (matt 10:34)
one of the classrooms...where some people are hearing the gospel for the very first time
Probably the best part of being here so far has been the
bible time at the end of every single class. It has been pretty incredible the
way God has been leading those times. The first week of classes, I asked
each student what they thought of the bible, Jesus and Christianity. "Do you like it? Not like it? Do you believe it? Do you think it's stupid?" I'm
really glad god leaned me toward doing that the first week. It gave me a great
idea of where people are in terms of Christianity and what kind of stuff
would be best for them to hear.
the second floor is the school
I really believe in the concept, 'earn the right to be
heard,' which I first learned about in Young Life. So because of that, I've
shared my brief story about how I became a Christian and how and why I'm in Japan now. I've
shared quite a bit about various experiences from my time on the Race, and have
even showed a lot of my classes the photo book I made from that year. A lot of
great questions and discussions have resulted from all of that stuff.
a generic self-portrait before class. I guess you could say this is my game-face before going into battle
It's been really cool to look back and see how the holy
spirit has TOTALLY been leading each bible time! I've shared John 8:32 (you will know the truth, and the truth will
set you free) with probably every class so far...but it's just really neat
how even though I'm using the same verse as a starting place... where the
discussion goes from there has been COMPLETELY up to God! Sometimes, as I'm
sitting there talking, I can't help but be...kind of astounded at the different
words and concepts that are coming out of my mouth from the holy spirit. I
never have any idea where the discussion will end up or where God is going to
take it, but ya know, each time it must be exactly what God wants those people
to hear. Just the other night, a student and I ended up staying for almost an extra
hour talking about some really deep biblical concepts. Here's an after picture of the
white board and some of the stuff I shared with him.
It's funny to think
of myself as a 'real missionary' for some reason.But I'm learning and discovering new things
everyday it seems like. Learning new things about trust (as always) and servant
hood, submission and attitude, selflessness...and more and more about how
important it is to be really consistent about getting into the bible and being
in prayer.
I feel like I had some more profound things to put into this
blog...but...this is what I've got I guess.
I've connected with this girl pretty well. she goes to the church and is in my kindergarten class
If you're willing to pray for me, here's some things that
you could pray for me about:
-ongoing strength,
mostly mentally...to keep being able to get up in the morning and go to
school, and the mental energy to be uppity, welcoming and loving for every one
of my 16 classes each week.
-conviction and
discernment...there are some things here that I think may need to be
addressed/fixed. But I don't know how, when, what or if I should speak up and
address them.
-for the holy spirit
to continue to lead me every single day
-for contentment...it's
not a big issue currently, but it's just an ongoing struggle for me
And as always, if you have stuff that you need or want
prayer for...I really like praying for people, so please don't hesitate to ask.
My email is ryanstewartphoto@hotmail.com
Lastly, I've had some people ask me what my mailing address
is...so I'm just gonna put it out there:
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